she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
