That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
