How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
