At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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