Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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