mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
