Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
