there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
