I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
