if i can run in heels then i can drive
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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