I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
