I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
