A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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