Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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