i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
