those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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