Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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