My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
