my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
