Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
