those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
