What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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