I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
