Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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