I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Randomize
