fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
