the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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