My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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