just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
where are my eyebrows?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
