Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
