You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
you had me at cake vodka
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Everclear isn't food dammit
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
