I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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