Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
