Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
