I wish you could order shots online.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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