im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
