The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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