I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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