Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
