I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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