Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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