It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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