Do you still have your period?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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