Buhtt sex?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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