I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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