She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
