gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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