Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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