I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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