My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
